stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
