my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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