seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
