Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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