is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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