well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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