There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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