so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
