U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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