She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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