i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
