I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
