I think I am morally bankrupt
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
