The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
