So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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