Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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