i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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