census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
