not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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