btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
