good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
