Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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