Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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