totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
