I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
