I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize