my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
