I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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