I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
