Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
