I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
