I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
