Swine flu. Run for my life!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
