it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
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Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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