There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
