Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
