she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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