so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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