at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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