saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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