Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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