Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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