I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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