when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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