I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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