Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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