I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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