Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
