Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
