I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
