Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
