I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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