I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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