I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
