Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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