i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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